My Child Does Not Want to See Me, What Do I Do?

The first step in any situation where a child is refusing to see one of the parents is to ask why? Attempts to sit down and have a conversation with your child, or even the other parent, may be fruitful. If this is not an option for you, either because you and the other parent cannot communicate or because your child is too young, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a family therapist.

Your child's age is a significant factor in these situations. Younger children will likely have little objection to access time and, in fact, require this time to bond with the parent. Older children, however, will begin to make plans with friends, have extracurricular activities and generally want to spend less time with his or her parents. This can be very difficult for a parent to accept, notwithstanding a divorce, and is a difficult situation for all. It is essential not to make access feel like a "chore" to your child.  We recommend not telling your older child they "have to" but rather inviting them to spend time with you.  Choose an activity in which the child is interested. Ensure the child is aware that you would like some of their time, but respect their point of view. Volunteering to take them to their extracurriular activities, watch their sports game, and generally taking an interest in their world usually goes a long way to keeping the older child's bond with the parent alive and well.

If it is possible, discuss a change in the access schedule with the other parent as the children grow older and their activities change. This will help to maximize the time you can spend with your children and ensure that no one feels that their toes are being stepped on with regards to custody.

If it seems that your child does not want to see you because of influence by the other parent, either because of negative comments or actions, then you may be facing a situation of parental alienation.  If that is the case, you should consult with a lawyer and/or family counselor to discuss options.

It is also important to reflect on your own actions. Do you make negative comments about the other parent in front of or within ear shot of your children? Do you allow others to disparage the children's other parent?  Do you discourage a relationship between your children and the other parent by putting down the sorts of activities they engage in with the other parent?  If the answer to any or all of these questions is yes, then it may be that your child's refusal to see you is a response to your behavior.  This kind of behavior can lead to angry feelings in the child, outbursts or a flat out refusals to visit with the parent that is putting them in the middle of both parents. No matter how unhealthy your relationship with the other parent is, make sure to respect your children's right to be loved and have a relationship with both parents.  It may take maturity and pride swallowing, but your children will thank you for it!

*This article is not to be construed as legal advice. If you require legal advice on this or any topic, please contact us at (506)849-0900 or another family law lawyer near you.

Parental Alienation: Putting a Child in the Middle

One of the most challenging issues in family law today is parental alienation. What is parental alienation? How does a parent avoid this? And how does a parent fight it if he or she is the victim?

Parental alienation is a term used when a child develops either justified or unjustified hatred or dislike for one of the parents. Most often, it is a result of either negative comments or actions by one parent toward the other or by the actions of the very parent who is claiming the other parent is alienating the child.

Parental alienation can be very confusing for a child. It can result in the child refusing to exercise access to the afflicted parent. This is not only detrimental to the relationship between the child and the afflicted parent, but can also be quite harmful to the relationship between the child and the alienating parent. There is an immense risk of "backlash" with parental alienation, which can result in anger and behavioral outbursts by the child.

Parental alienation removes a child's right to have a relationship with and feel loved by both parents. It also puts the child in the position where he or she must choose between the two parents. This is usually very confusing and upsetting to a child, who is already dealing with the reality of separation and divorce. Children in this situation need more than anything to be reassured that both parents still love them instead of being treated like prizes to be won in a custody war.

In order to avoid parental alienation, a parent must put the child's best interests first and foremost on the priority list, ahead of hurt feelings, disagreements with exes and anger over the separation and divorce.  Examples of things done to effect parental alienation can range from expressing negative or disparaging comments about the other parent in front of the child, speaking ill of the other parent in general, allowing others to disparage the other parent in front of the child, encouraging negative views about the other parent by the child, preventing meaningful access, not informing the other parent of the child's circumstances, bribing a child with gifts, trips, etc. during the access periods they would otherwise exercise with the other parent.

Custody and access are a child's right, not a parent's.  While this is a common misconception, mature parents generally accept that children have a right to have a relationship with both parents, which, if encouraged appropriately, can foster the child's relationship with BOTH parents.

Alienation only serves a selfish purpose, no matter how it is couched in the "alienator"'s mind.  A parent who seeks to alienate their child from the other parent, save the uncommon situation where safety is concerned, may appear to the outside world as though they are shielding their child from some form of harm, disruption, inconsistency, "unsavory" new partners, or any other reason which may be used to prevent the affection of the child to develop with the other parent.  But, too often, the nature of the alienation, however it is expressed, is to control the child and/or the other parent or prevent a loss of control over the child and/or the other parent.  And, in many occasions, it backfires, thereby creating a situation where the very parent who is trying to alienate the other parent actually ends up alienating the child from him or herself.

If you are the victim of parental alienation, and cannot discuss this issue with the other parent reasonably, it may be necessary to seek counsel. In certain cases, courts may order reports by mental health professionals to determine whether parental alienation has been taking place and, if so, where it originates from.  These professionals can include, if court ordered to do so, a psychological component to their reports meant to help uncover the origins of the alienation taking place.  A parent who consistently seeks to alienate the child from the other parent runs the risk of losing custody of the child as a Court's duty is to determine the child's best interests.

If you believe you are the victim of parental alienation, you should seek legal advice.

Thank you for reading

*This article is not to be construed as legal advice. If you require legal advice on this or any topic, please contact us at (506)849-0900 or another family law lawyer near you.

Written for Thibault Jones Law by Victoria Gregan and and J. Nathalie Thibault Jones

Mobility Rights: Children Moving To Another Jurisdiction

Below is a nice article researched and written by Lyla Coyle. Lyla is currently studying as a legal assistant and is working with Thibault Jones Law on a work term. We asked her to research a case we did and write about mobility rights. It is a very well written article and can be very helpful.

If you or someone you know has, or is, affected by the issue of a child moving away from a parent, please do not hesitate to contact us and discuss your particular situation. 

 Mobility Rights

 An important issue regarding Family Law is the concept of mobility rights. In most situations, both parents are allowed the right to shared custody and access of their children. The location of the child should be one which is accessible to both parents. However, on some occasions, one parent changes locations, and makes it difficult and/or impossible for the other parent to have child visitation. A fair agreement between parents is joint and shared custody, where there is ample opportunity for both parents to take part in child care and rearing. When couples separate or divorce, oftentimes there is a lack of cooperation for this to take place. The negative feelings accompanying a divorce or separation further complicate and challenge joint and shared custody.

There have been numerous cases which document this situation; a precedent was made in Gordon v. Goertz, [1996]. The Court of Appeal Judge Saunders established a set of criteria which should be used to determine the permanent residence of the child. They are as follows:  

1.      The parent seeking modification of custody or access must first demonstrate that it is a material change in the situation of the child.

2.      If this threshold is met, the judge hearing the application must again determine the interest of the child, taking into account all relevant circumstances relating to the child’s need, and the ability of each parent to fulfill these needs.

3.       This analysis is based on the conclusions drawn by the judge who made the previous order and evidence of the new situation.

4.      The analysis is not based on a legal presumption in favor of the custodial parent, although it should be given great respect for the opinion of the latter.

5.      Each case turns on its own circumstances. The only issue is the interest of the child in the circumstances of the case.

6.      Emphasis is placed on the interests of the child, and not the interests and rights of parents.

7.      Specifically, the judge should consider including the following:

a)      The custody agreement already reached, and the relationship between the child and the custodial parent;

b)      The existing agreement on the right of access, and the relationship between the child and the parent who exercises this right;

c)      The desirability of maximizing contact between the child and both parents;

d)      The views of the child;

e)      Why the custodial parent moves out, only in the exceptional case where it has to do with the parent’s ability to provide for the child;

f)       The disruption to the child a change of custody would bring; and

g)      The disruption to a child’s removal from family, schools, and the community to which he has become accustomed.

This was the basis for future decisions in this matter. She stressed the importance of the existing agreement and /or judgment of custody and access, as well as the child’s preference and opinions. Additionally, the ideal situation is one in which both parents have access to the child.

These detailed criteria have become a precedent for cases relating to custody and access rights, with respect to the mobility rights of the parents. As noted above, a significant change in lifestyle must be established. If the change in the parent’s lifestyle does not affect the child, then it would not be considered a significant change in the child’s life. For example, a minor change in the parent’s lifestyle, such as a different car, or furniture, would not constitute a significant change in the child’s lifestyle.

The Family Services Act of Canada ensures that the best interests of the child are the criteria for which custody and access should be based upon. The child’s welfare must be the most important concern in determining custody and access. The child’s opinion should also be taken into account; which parent would he/she like to live with? What region in which does the child prefer to live? The best interests of the child also include the present and future opportunities for which the location will bring, such as stability of home environment, education, and extra-curricular activities. 

Furthermore, it is to be emphasized that each case is individual, and unique to any other. While sometimes it is beneficial to remain in the same environment, there are cases in which a move is beneficial, to provide income and/or security. A better job or more secure surroundings may require a change of location; in these cases, a move may be favorable to the child’s well being and happiness.   Each situation must be judged and assessed individually, with the greatest concern as the child’s welfare. Safety, love, and prosperity need to be of paramount importance in this decision. The child must be in a happy, healthy, and safe home environment, with stability, and opportunities for success and fulfillment. 

Lyla Coyle is a graduate from the University of New Brunswick, with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. Presently, she is completing a diploma in Legal Administration from Eastern College.

For more information on the Mobility Rights of a child, please contact our office at (506)849-0900 r visit our website at www.thibaultjones.com.

Thibault Jones Collaborative Law

Tax Issues on Separation And Divorce Conclusion

Family Collaborative Law Dining Room: Tax Issues on Separation And Divorce Conclusion: March and April are the busiest times of the year for tax accountants. Many of the clients Thibault Jones Law works with have certain tax be...

Tax Issues on Separation And Divorce Part 3

Family Collaborative Law Dining Room: Tax Issues on Separation And Divorce Part 3: March and April are the busiest times of the year for tax accountants. Many of the clients Thibault Jones Law works with have certain tax be...

Tax Issues on Separation And Divorce Part 2

Family Collaborative Law Dining Room: Tax Issues on Separation And Divorce Part 2: March and April are the busiest times of the year for tax accountants. Many of the clients Thibault Jones Law works with have certain tax be...

Tax Issues on Separation And Divorce Part 1

Family Collaborative Law Dining Room: Tax Issues on Separation And Divorce Part 1: March and April are the busiest times of the year for tax accountants. Many of the clients Thibault Jones Law works with have certain tax be...

Tax Tweet - Are you Divorced or Separated?

Tax Tweets:  Tidbits of Canadian Tax Info

Recently I met a gentleman who has been divorced for some time. He is a seemingly kind and considerate person who has prepared his own tax returns for several years. Being divorced with three children, he shared custody with his ex-spouse.   Early in our conversation, I became aware that he did not utilize deductions and/or tax credits available to his situation. For several years, he has not benefited from the tax laws available to his situation.

Sometimes as a tax accountant, I take for granted the level of knowledge that the average Canadian has for our complex tax system. At times I can get wrapped up in the complexities of tax planning and laws that I assume the basics are known by all. It is a shortfall on my part, for sure. So I decided to start a series of Tax Tweets that cover some basic tax information, partly to educate or remind us of some important aspects of our tax system, and partly to ensure I do not overlook the obvious. So I welcome you to read, participate and invite others. I look forward to learning more about you.

The very first Tax Tweet is on the topic of separated of divorced individuals who may not be aware of some benefits to them in our tax laws. Why this topic? Well, I am not sure exactly. Perhaps it is because it relates to the gentleman I recently met or maybe it is because my wife is a Collaborative Law Lawyer and she has many clients that may use this knowledge. Regardless, I have to start somewhere, so why not here…

Tax Tweet #1: Amount for Eligible Dependent

For some situations, separated or divorced parents who have not lived common law over the previous tax year may be eligible to claim the amount for an eligible dependent. This claim can be huge. In 2011, the non-refundable tax credit was $10, 527 which would result in a reduction of federal tax payable of $1579 as well as an additional provincial tax credit, depending on your province or territory. In New Brunswick the provincial tax credit is about $958 for a combined tax reduction of $2537.

There are certain criteria to qualify for this claim such as the custody and living arrangements, any child support involved, is the child claimed by another parent, ect. So please consult a tax professional to find out if you are eligible for this credit. More details can be found on CRA website entitled “Can You Claim the Amount for An Eligible Dependent?” and What are the situations in which you cannot claim the amount for an eligible dependant?

Tax Tweet #2: Children born after 1994 (for Tax Year 2011)

Parents of children born after 1994 receive a federal tax credit of $2131 in the tax year 2011. This results in a federal tax reduction of $320. Although your children may not live with you full time, you may still be eligible to receive this federal tax credit, assuming no one else is claiming it for the child.

Tax Tweet # 3: Ensure only one Person is Claiming the Child

One main criteria of Tax Tweet #1 and #2 is that only one parent can claim the tax credit for the child. If you are separated and have only one child together, this could be difficult as both parents may want to claim the tax credit. In this case, CRA will revert to the court ordered divorce or separation agreement to see if it is stipulated in the agreement. If a determination is not provided for in the agreement, and the parties cannot agree on who claims the child, then CRA has ruled that neither party can use the deduction. It would be a shame if this was to happen so please ensure you and your ex-spouse discuss this and come to an agreement.

These tax tweets are meant to promote alerts that may potentially affect the reader’s situation. It is not meant as tax advice and should not be taken as such.

Gerard is an experienced accountant located in Rothesay, just outside Saint John, NB. He established CG Jones CGA in 2011 to offer expert services in Tax, Finance, Project Management and Consulting. His intention is to provide these expert services, usually affordable only to large corporations, to small and medium businesses as well as Professionals and business owners at rates more in line to what this group can manage. Gerard is just a call or email away if you would like to discuss ways your firm can look at tax savings, finance options, or project management needs. He can be reached at (506) 849-0913 or by email.

Bullies grow up to be Bullies!

Anyone who knows me well knows that I was bullied as a kid growing up in a rural community school. I was taunted, called names, ostracized, demeaned, physically assaulted… It was psychological warfare on a tiny but nasty scale.

Unfortunately for me, no one really knew anything about bullying at that time. It was not even a word we used, let alone a concept we discussed or a behavior we acknowledged. Bullies had the run of the show. Victims ran for cover in as much as it was possible but, in a small environment, there are virtually no places to hide. I felt ashamed. You see, something must have been fundamentally wrong with me to warrant attacks of the nature I was subjected to. I did not talk about it and my parents were ill-equipped to handle a problem they were only vaguely aware of and the school ignored outright, despite the fact it was happening right under teachers’ noses.

My, how have times changed… right? With the level of information and education out there about bullying, you would think that statement would be true. But with the reality of cyber bullying, it is not only still happening, it is far more prevalent and insidious nowadays. Still today, victims are further victimized by a system that just isn’t cutting it by dealing with the bullies and, as a result, are becoming a semblance of bullies themselves by helping to perpetuate a problem they turn away from in the hopes that it will simply go away.

What is the solution? That is the question of the century and it cannot be one-faceted. It has to include a team of people to educate, to integrate, to work cooperatively and, dare I say, collaboratively. Sometimes, to trigger that intervention, you have to “bully” the bullies! Not the ones initiating the bullying but the second-hand ones who perpetuate the problem by hiding their heads in the sand until it is no longer feasible to do so. In other words, you have to push through until you get somewhere.

Working with such government organizations as the Youth Advocate Office when you meet dead ends can be extremely valuable. And, yes, sometimes having legal representation to bring the seriousness of a problem to the forefront can be an answer. As long as the process is contemplated with a view of resolution, cooperation and collaboration, it can be a very productive, positive and empowering process. Court should always be an absolute last resort.

So, let’s switch gears for a minute. Why should we, as a society, bother you say? Let the parents who’s kid is being bullied deal with it. We’ve heard the comments and arguments: bullying is a fact of life – deal with it; it is kids “just being kids”; hey, it’s a way of weeding out the heard… The problem with that attitude is that bullies grow-up to be bullies. They are then bullies in their workplace, in their relationships with others, in their marriages, with their children and the cycle starts over. Is it not our responsibility as a society to put an end to bullying, wherever it takes place?

I do realize this seems to have very little to do with Collaborative Law. But, oddly enough, it is one of the major hurdles in a collaborative process: dealing with the bully in the room. Luckily, collaborative lawyers are trained to deal with a myriad of personalities and to gently but firmly push back when it’s called for in the process.

Although I have taken a very roundabout way of getting here, it is important to start at the beginning. We can make a difference, each and every one of us. For me, doing what I do is my way of fighting back, albeit with a much more subtle and diplomatic arsenal. But it works and it is a much more productive, positive, engaging way of empowering people than a long, protracted and destructive court process which can, in and of itself, perpetuate exactly what we are trying to eliminate.

The journey in dealing with bullying can and will almost always be long, arduous and emotionally taxing. But, depending on how you choose to handle it, the results are encouraging, empowering and rewarding, not only for the victims, but also for the people involved in making a difference in a victim’s life. Everyone has value and worth. Sometimes, standing up to say just that is the number one step.

What do you think?

Please share your insights and thoughts at http://thibaultjoneslaw.blogspot.com/ or http://www.facebook.com/ThibaultJonesLaw.

*This article is not to be construed as legal advice. If you require legal advice on this or any topic, please contact us.

Nathalie is an experienced legal professional who has focused her career on working with people and trying to help them find solutions that minimize the impact of divorce on their families. She is passionate about collaborative law and how it can improve the process for her clients. Collaborative law can significantly reduce the time, cost and strain of going through a divorce and Nathalie is one currently practicing in Saint John. Although Nathalie is passionate about collaborative law, and has spent several years building her knowledge and practice in this area, her experience is built on a strong, broad foundation of wider legal expertise that includes everything from litigation to wills and estates. Nathalie’s goal is to work with every client to identify the right services and approach for them. of the few experts in this approach