My Child Does Not Want to See Me, What Do I Do?

The first step in any situation where a child is refusing to see one of the parents is to ask why? Attempts to sit down and have a conversation with your child, or even the other parent, may be fruitful. If this is not an option for you, either because you and the other parent cannot communicate or because your child is too young, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a family therapist.

Your child's age is a significant factor in these situations. Younger children will likely have little objection to access time and, in fact, require this time to bond with the parent. Older children, however, will begin to make plans with friends, have extracurricular activities and generally want to spend less time with his or her parents. This can be very difficult for a parent to accept, notwithstanding a divorce, and is a difficult situation for all. It is essential not to make access feel like a "chore" to your child.  We recommend not telling your older child they "have to" but rather inviting them to spend time with you.  Choose an activity in which the child is interested. Ensure the child is aware that you would like some of their time, but respect their point of view. Volunteering to take them to their extracurriular activities, watch their sports game, and generally taking an interest in their world usually goes a long way to keeping the older child's bond with the parent alive and well.

If it is possible, discuss a change in the access schedule with the other parent as the children grow older and their activities change. This will help to maximize the time you can spend with your children and ensure that no one feels that their toes are being stepped on with regards to custody.

If it seems that your child does not want to see you because of influence by the other parent, either because of negative comments or actions, then you may be facing a situation of parental alienation.  If that is the case, you should consult with a lawyer and/or family counselor to discuss options.

It is also important to reflect on your own actions. Do you make negative comments about the other parent in front of or within ear shot of your children? Do you allow others to disparage the children's other parent?  Do you discourage a relationship between your children and the other parent by putting down the sorts of activities they engage in with the other parent?  If the answer to any or all of these questions is yes, then it may be that your child's refusal to see you is a response to your behavior.  This kind of behavior can lead to angry feelings in the child, outbursts or a flat out refusals to visit with the parent that is putting them in the middle of both parents. No matter how unhealthy your relationship with the other parent is, make sure to respect your children's right to be loved and have a relationship with both parents.  It may take maturity and pride swallowing, but your children will thank you for it!

*This article is not to be construed as legal advice. If you require legal advice on this or any topic, please contact us at (506)849-0900 or another family law lawyer near you.