My Child Does Not Want to See Me, What Do I Do?

The first step in any situation where a child is refusing to see one of the parents is to ask why? Attempts to sit down and have a conversation with your child, or even the other parent, may be fruitful. If this is not an option for you, either because you and the other parent cannot communicate or because your child is too young, it may be necessary to seek the assistance of a family therapist.

Your child's age is a significant factor in these situations. Younger children will likely have little objection to access time and, in fact, require this time to bond with the parent. Older children, however, will begin to make plans with friends, have extracurricular activities and generally want to spend less time with his or her parents. This can be very difficult for a parent to accept, notwithstanding a divorce, and is a difficult situation for all. It is essential not to make access feel like a "chore" to your child.  We recommend not telling your older child they "have to" but rather inviting them to spend time with you.  Choose an activity in which the child is interested. Ensure the child is aware that you would like some of their time, but respect their point of view. Volunteering to take them to their extracurriular activities, watch their sports game, and generally taking an interest in their world usually goes a long way to keeping the older child's bond with the parent alive and well.

If it is possible, discuss a change in the access schedule with the other parent as the children grow older and their activities change. This will help to maximize the time you can spend with your children and ensure that no one feels that their toes are being stepped on with regards to custody.

If it seems that your child does not want to see you because of influence by the other parent, either because of negative comments or actions, then you may be facing a situation of parental alienation.  If that is the case, you should consult with a lawyer and/or family counselor to discuss options.

It is also important to reflect on your own actions. Do you make negative comments about the other parent in front of or within ear shot of your children? Do you allow others to disparage the children's other parent?  Do you discourage a relationship between your children and the other parent by putting down the sorts of activities they engage in with the other parent?  If the answer to any or all of these questions is yes, then it may be that your child's refusal to see you is a response to your behavior.  This kind of behavior can lead to angry feelings in the child, outbursts or a flat out refusals to visit with the parent that is putting them in the middle of both parents. No matter how unhealthy your relationship with the other parent is, make sure to respect your children's right to be loved and have a relationship with both parents.  It may take maturity and pride swallowing, but your children will thank you for it!

*This article is not to be construed as legal advice. If you require legal advice on this or any topic, please contact us at (506)849-0900 or another family law lawyer near you.

Parental Alienation: Putting a Child in the Middle

One of the most challenging issues in family law today is parental alienation. What is parental alienation? How does a parent avoid this? And how does a parent fight it if he or she is the victim?

Parental alienation is a term used when a child develops either justified or unjustified hatred or dislike for one of the parents. Most often, it is a result of either negative comments or actions by one parent toward the other or by the actions of the very parent who is claiming the other parent is alienating the child.

Parental alienation can be very confusing for a child. It can result in the child refusing to exercise access to the afflicted parent. This is not only detrimental to the relationship between the child and the afflicted parent, but can also be quite harmful to the relationship between the child and the alienating parent. There is an immense risk of "backlash" with parental alienation, which can result in anger and behavioral outbursts by the child.

Parental alienation removes a child's right to have a relationship with and feel loved by both parents. It also puts the child in the position where he or she must choose between the two parents. This is usually very confusing and upsetting to a child, who is already dealing with the reality of separation and divorce. Children in this situation need more than anything to be reassured that both parents still love them instead of being treated like prizes to be won in a custody war.

In order to avoid parental alienation, a parent must put the child's best interests first and foremost on the priority list, ahead of hurt feelings, disagreements with exes and anger over the separation and divorce.  Examples of things done to effect parental alienation can range from expressing negative or disparaging comments about the other parent in front of the child, speaking ill of the other parent in general, allowing others to disparage the other parent in front of the child, encouraging negative views about the other parent by the child, preventing meaningful access, not informing the other parent of the child's circumstances, bribing a child with gifts, trips, etc. during the access periods they would otherwise exercise with the other parent.

Custody and access are a child's right, not a parent's.  While this is a common misconception, mature parents generally accept that children have a right to have a relationship with both parents, which, if encouraged appropriately, can foster the child's relationship with BOTH parents.

Alienation only serves a selfish purpose, no matter how it is couched in the "alienator"'s mind.  A parent who seeks to alienate their child from the other parent, save the uncommon situation where safety is concerned, may appear to the outside world as though they are shielding their child from some form of harm, disruption, inconsistency, "unsavory" new partners, or any other reason which may be used to prevent the affection of the child to develop with the other parent.  But, too often, the nature of the alienation, however it is expressed, is to control the child and/or the other parent or prevent a loss of control over the child and/or the other parent.  And, in many occasions, it backfires, thereby creating a situation where the very parent who is trying to alienate the other parent actually ends up alienating the child from him or herself.

If you are the victim of parental alienation, and cannot discuss this issue with the other parent reasonably, it may be necessary to seek counsel. In certain cases, courts may order reports by mental health professionals to determine whether parental alienation has been taking place and, if so, where it originates from.  These professionals can include, if court ordered to do so, a psychological component to their reports meant to help uncover the origins of the alienation taking place.  A parent who consistently seeks to alienate the child from the other parent runs the risk of losing custody of the child as a Court's duty is to determine the child's best interests.

If you believe you are the victim of parental alienation, you should seek legal advice.

Thank you for reading

*This article is not to be construed as legal advice. If you require legal advice on this or any topic, please contact us at (506)849-0900 or another family law lawyer near you.

Written for Thibault Jones Law by Victoria Gregan and and J. Nathalie Thibault Jones